I have been thinking a lot this week about how happy I am. Seriously. I am very, very happy. I have to admit that sometimes when I think about it too much I worry that I’m too happy, that I have it too good, that I haven’t struggled quite enough. I don’t know quite what to do about that worry except attempt to dismiss it with a prayer (any suggestions on that?). But what I do know is that although I can’t say that my life is 100% perfect, and there are times when I wish for more than the abundant blessings I have been given, I am always happy—even when I am momentarily sad or frustrated or angry on the surface.
The truth is that I have everything that I ever wanted for this point in my life. I remember thinking in high school that about a year or so after college would be a good time to get married, possibly to someone I would meet and date in college; I met Daniel almost as soon as I arrived on campus, and we got married one year and five days after graduating. We both already had jobs lined up for after graduation, and that very summer we purchased a house on a beautiful piece of land less than ten minutes from my parents’ house; I had always wanted to live close to my family.
I always wanted to start a family soon after getting married, and we hoped that I would get pregnant in the fall of 2009; I got pregnant in September. If you have been following my blog for a while, you know by now that I am a worry wart. So, early on when the risk of miscarriage was still very substantial, I was so afraid that because it had happened so easily, something was going to go wrong. But I am now twenty-four weeks along, and so far so good, thank God! Our plan to have me stay home to take care of our baby seems also to be working out, even if our budget will be a little tight; I always wanted to stay home with my children like my mom did and does with hers.
As you can see, everything is exactly as I would want it to be. Not everyone wants to be settled down with a home (and mortgage), husband, and family of their own at my age. But I always did. And although everything is not always picture perfect, I am always happy. The other day while I sat by myself at home just feeling my little one’s enthusiastic kicks, I sang my baby the blessing that my mom always used to sing to me and imagined blessing his forehead once he is born. And I was so overwhelmed with joy that it brought tears to my eyes. I have been so very blessed.