Book of the Month for September 2007

by Gary Chapman
Northfield Publishing, 1995
Available in hardcover and paperback

We speak to our spouse. We think we’ve accurately communicated our love, needs, or concerns. Why does it often seem like this is not enough, or worse, that the message received is not what we thought we sent?

The answer often lies in the intricate ways that each of us interprets messages of love. Sometimes these interpretations are based on one’s family of origin and how we saw love expressed between our parents. Sometimes it’s linked to cultural expectations of what men should do versus what women should do. Sometimes it just reflects the unique person you are which is different from your spouse – no matter how much you love each other.

Chapman divides ways of expressing love into the following five categories: (1) Words of affirmation; (2) Quality time; (3) Receiving gifts; (4) Acts of service and (5) Physical touch.

Understanding these differences will help readers appreciate why all those words of “sweet nothings” whispered in your spouse’s ear or creative or expensive gifts may not feel very loving to your spouse. Perhaps her primary love language is seeing her husband helping out with the kids. Perhaps his love language is to passionately hug and kiss her – even when she’s still trying to juggle those kids.

You don’t have to speak the same love language, but it helps to know what your partner needs to feel loved.