Can dating websites help you find a spouse?

by Jason King, chairman, Theology Department, St. Vincent College, Latrobe, PA

With almost 20% of the U. S. population having at least one online dating profile, internet dating has become one of the largest online industries. eHarmony, Match.com, and Yahoo! Personals each have millions of members and account for the majority of users. Catholicmingle.com, Catholicsingles.com, Avemariasingles.com, and Catholicmatch.com�the major Catholic dating sites�account for well over 100,000 of these people.

Based on the numbers alone, you would seem to have a better chance of meeting a potential spouse by using these websites. No longer confined to your small network of friends and family, you can now reach out to countless others and find the one who is right for you.

Does it work this way? Can these sites help you find a spouse?

Benefits of Dating Sites

(1) The technology enables you to overcome many geographical limitations. Online sites expand the range of people you might meet. You can contact others of similar interests that are beyond where you work, live, and worship.

(2) You have a better chance of meeting people with similar beliefs. All the websites seek to match people with similar values. The benefit is that these values are upfront in any discussion. The Catholic sites have the added advantage of emphasizing a person’s faith. This enables people to avoid having to discover these beliefs�beliefs central to any successful marriage�after several conversations or dates.

(3) Each site takes several precautions to ensure the safety of its users. All of the companies mentioned screen profiles before posting them and continually check them for any violations of the company’s decency standards. Users are able to report any inappropriate material on profiles. You are advised to protect your privacy by only using the company’s messaging system. They even recommend appropriate ways of progressing toward face to face meetings. You still must be cautious, but there are several mechanisms in place to help protect users.

Limitations

(1) Only some sites focus primarily on serious, potentially marital relationships. Match.com and Yahoo! Personals are geared more to provide users with a full range of relationship options from casual encounters to finding potential spouses. eHarmony emphasizes serious relationships, utilizing a 400 question personality inventory to pair users. The Catholic sites focus on serious relationships through a two-fold process of self-selection. First, by targeting Catholics, these sites attract Catholics, and Catholics value marriage. Second, each Catholic site further indicates what kind of emphasis it places on marriage. Avemariasingles.com, for example, is for those only looking for marriage, those “who do NOT believe in Catholic dating and who DO believe in courtship.” Catholicmingle.com, on the other hand, is for those seeking a faith community “for friendship, dating or marriage.”

(2) Be wary of any distinct, special, or “scientific” claims for matching people. Very few of the methods for matching people used by these online dating sites have been assessed by professional social scientists. Moreover, Christians should be wary of putting too much faith in technology, especially when it comes to love. The gospels provide better guides. The real benefit of these sites comes not from their methods but in expanding the group of people you might meet.

(3) The sites are money making endeavors. No one should forget that the goal of these sites is to make money. They usually allow you to register and browse for free and do not require payment�ranging anywhere from $25-$70 a month�until you want to contact someone. This money provides you a service, a useful and often quality service, one that can even help you to find a spouse. Yet, the goal of the company is still, first and foremost, profit. In other words, your interest in a good marriage and their interest in a good profit may often align, but they will not always or necessarily do so.

(4) The sites tend to overly emphasize personal preference or fulfillment. Obviously, your own choice and preferences matter a great deal in choosing a spouse. Yet, in life, we often discuss our most serious decisions with friends and family members. While using a dating website, be sure to have conversations about it with those who have your best interest at heart. Moreover, while preference or fulfillment is crucial, marriage for Catholics is not just about what you want but how you will love and care for others. You are often called to make personal sacrifices for the good of your spouse or children. In trying to satisfy their users, these sites can focus too much on what makes you happy and too little on what is good for and required of you.

Do they help you to find a spouse?

They can. Nevertheless, you should not assume that they are inherently better than meeting people through family, friends, or parish singles groups. All the sites have the advantage of putting you into contact with more people, but more does not necessarily mean better. The Catholic sites help by starting with people’s faith, but then parishes, families, and friends often do so as well.

What should one hope for from these sites? A friend of mine went on dates with three men from Catholicmatch.com. She said, “All of the dates were great, and the guys were complete gentlemen! . . . . I think I felt comfortable dating someone who had laid their cards on the table as far as their faith went.” This is the best one can reasonably hope for from these sites, and, in truth, this is not bad at all!