Learning To Say I Do
Mass Behavior
Sara: For the first few weeks of Gus’ life, I was terrified to take him to Mass. I just knew that as soon as we got there, Gus would decide to “go crazy” and be loud throughout Mass. I didn’t want to be “that parent” with the screaming baby.
Justin: Sometimes Gus feels like a ticking time bomb. Often it is impossible to predict when he is going to cry and he can go from perfectly happy to screaming at the top of his lungs in no time flat.
Sara: Thankfully, for the first several weeks of Gus’ life, he fell asleep during the car ride to church and then slept throughout Mass. I have to admit I did pray several times that he’d stay asleep at least through the homily or stay good!
When I said something to Father about my concerns, he said if Gus was loud, at least he’d keep everyone else awake!
Justin: I told Father that I was sure there would be at least a few times that Gus would be sure to help.
Sara: Now, for the past couple of weeks, I felt like we have had the screaming baby. During Mass, Gus would start crying and the only thing that could calm him down was to eat. Even though I’d take him out to the cry area, I still felt self conscious about having a screaming baby. Thankfully, most of the parents out in the cry area gave me understanding smiles.
However, it was still difficult because I felt like I wasn’t able to participate in Mass as fully as I would like. Instead of being able to concentrate exclusively on both individual and group prayer, I needed to focus a lot of attention on Gus and making sure his needs were met. And sometimes, when we went to the cry area, it was hard because then Justin, Gus, and I weren’t together through Mass as a family. Although our church offers childcare during Mass, Justin and I feel it’s important for Gus to be in Mass with us as much as possible because Gus is a baptized Christian.
Justin: It was also hard for me because I knew Sara was nervous about being able to settle Gus down and I found my mind was outside with them rather than concentrating on the Mass.
Sara: This week, however, I feel like we had a breakthrough. I went to daily Mass one day and fed Gus at church before Mass started. He then proceeded to fall asleep throughout all of Mass, and I felt I was better able to pray. This weekend, Justin and I did the same thing. After Gus’ initial feeding, I gave Gus to Justin to burp and hold. For about ten minutes before Gus filled his diaper, I was able to pray and more fully concentrate on Mass. When we got back from Gus’ diaper change, Justin proceeded to hold Gus for as long as he could until Gus was once again hungry. It was very nice to be able to be together as a family for ninety-five percent of Mass. We felt like Gus did a very good job during Mass, and it was helpful for both of us to be able to share childcare responsibilities!
Justin: We were both very proud of his behavior during Mass.
It’s good you have figured out a routine to help, but try not to worry about it. Anyone who has been a parent has been through the embarrassing moments and those who haven’t cannot understand anyway. I remember being too worried about my daughter making noises or crying in church or at restaurants but in hindsight, everything she did was normal child behavior, not bad behavior. If I had it to do over, I would not worry as much.
On the flip side, there will be some people who will complain. I have a friend who has had to deal with negative comments about her child’s behavior in church twice. Her child is well behaved but has normal issues with sitting still too long or clinging to her mom. My friend was hurt by the comments and felt alienated. Some people need to be reminded that children are part of the congregation and normal childhood behaviors need to be tolerated. Parents also could use some support and understanding from those around them. Otherwise, parents of small children are driven to stay home from mass.
Great post!
Most of us have been in your shoes! Here are a couple of things that got my husband and I through these years.
1. Either pick a Mass time that coincides with the baby’s daily nap time or adjust the baby’s nap time during the week to coincide with Mass.
2. Always, always, always change & then feed the baby right before Mass.
3. Make that hour “quiet time” at home all week long. For example, if Mass is at 10 a.m., every day of the week from 10 a.m to 11 a.m. should be quiet time at home. Keep this up – it will help you all the way through preschool, believe me. We can’t expect small kids to suddenly be quiet for an hour once a week, but if we train them to do it every single day at about the same time, it will be normal for them to be quiet during Mass, not abnormal.
4. Always, always, always make sure the baby is wearing very comfortable clothing. No need for jammies – It can look nice and still be soft against the baby’s skin. Boy clothing is usually pretty soft, but you’d be amazed how much itchy stuff there is for girls, and an itchy baby is an irritable baby.
5. Don’t beat yourself up for having a vocation to parent and needing to parent your child during Mass by taking him out for feeding/changing/soothing. It’s part of the deal. If you are really struggling because you long to be able to fully engage in Mass and can’t with a baby, think about switching off Mass times once a month. One of you stays home with the baby while the other goes to Mass, and then that parent stays home with the baby while the first goes to Mass. It really helps. I’m not saying you shouldn’t ever take the baby – you should take him as often as possible! But having that baby-less respite once in a while can be a real boost.
Hang in there. You’re doing a great thing by bringing Gus into the Lord’s presence at Mass. Don’t give up!