We’ve long been intrigued by the idea of “bids,” which we first learned about in Dr. John Gottman’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. In a key passage, he writes:

In marriage, couples are always making what I call ‘bids’ for each other’s attention, affection, humor, or support. Bids can be as minor as asking for a backrub or as significant as seeking help in carrying the burden when an aging parent is ill. The partner responds to each bid either by turning toward the spouse or turning away.

It’s common sense to say that a tendency to turn toward these bids is the basis for trust, intimacy, and a healthy marriage. And Gottman’s research proved this. In observation of newly-married couples’ reaction to one another’s bids, he assigned a score. In follow-up research, he found those who remained married had “turned toward their partner’s bids” 86 percent of the time, while those who ended up divorced had averaged only 33 percent. Ouch.

And all of this brings us to the Faith Life of your Trinity House. Building on Gottman’s insights, here are two questions: How attentive are you to God’s ‘bids’ for your attention on a daily basis? Do you have a tendency to “turn toward” Him in those mini-moments and everyday interactions?

God’s bids may come in the form of His Word, awaiting our prayerful contemplation each day. Or in our attentiveness to a loved one, whom God has entrusted to our care. Perhaps God is making a bid for our attention in Adoration, the Mass, the Sacrament of Reconciliation, or in a simple walk to enjoy His creation. Or, His bids may be awaiting us simply in silence.

To be honest, the upcoming summer days of visits, camps, late nights, endless baseball games, traveling, and summer jobs can unfold at such a fast pace that we lose sight of God’s bids for our attention. Our kids’ schedules mean that five licensed drivers are currently competing for two cars; we know that these opportunities for our kids are blessings, but if we’re not careful, these “opportunities” can wear us down with fatigue, distraction, and even numbness.

The threshold of summer is a beautiful moment to pause and take stock of our attentiveness to God’s bids for our attention in simple and practical ways: 

• Take time to look for God’s bids next time you are praying with Scripture. 
• Take an inventory of things in your life that are compromising your attentiveness to God’s bids (smartphones and scrolling, anyone?), and take steps to limit them.
• Invite the Holy Spirit to open your eyes anew to the divine bids that are coming your way each day. 
• When you feel yourself turning away, pause and ask yourself, “Why am I resisting this chance to build trust and intimacy with Jesus?”
• Share a recap of God’s bids with your spouse or a trusted friend. 

As in marriage, there’s an art and discipline to becoming more attentive to God’s bids. After all, we are deeply wounded by original sin. St. Augustine described sin as curvatus in se—being “curved inward on oneself”—which sounds like the antithesis of being attentive to bids. Given this, we shouldn’t be discouraged by our tendency to turn away, but simply commit to turning more toward God, little by little.

Our bodies are “temples of the Holy Spirit.” And we are beloved, adopted sons and daughters of our Heavenly Father. Jesus Christ—alive in us, alive in our marriages—has defeated sin and death, and along with it, our tendency to turn away. And “If Christ is for us, who can be against us?” If Christ is for us, how can we not but turn toward His bids in ever-deepening love?